May 09th, 2020

I have gotten quite good at scrolling by things that upset me.  On one hand, this is a good thing – letting stuff “roll off” so that I don’t internalize more trauma and drama than I need. 

On the other hand, it’s not such a good thing – I’m not always as aware as I need to be, and sometimes, honestly, I’m just numb.  There are still some things that stop my scrolling in its tracks, like yet another senseless hate-crime murder, usually of a person of color.
     So I know there are all kinds of opinions out there, but hear me out.  About 21 years ago, I was in my early thirties, the mom of two young children, and a solo pastor living with my family on acres of pristine rural land.  I was alone with the kids in the house and the phone rang.  The person on the other end (whose voice I recognized) told me that he was arranging to have my children “disappear.” This was not the first time we had been threatened but it was the first time that the children had been threatened.  When I reported the incident, I was asked “What did you expect?  You are young, female, and from the east coast.” 
     I am obviously not a person of color and I am not going to claim that I understand what it is like to be a person of color.  But I know what it is like to be a mother afraid to send her children out into the world for fear that she will never see them again.  So when I hear Ahmaud Arbery’s mother angrily demand for justice, not just for her son, but for all sons and daughters of color, I get it.  Deep in my heart and soul, I get it.  So when I hear or see “Black Lives Matter,” I get it.  Deep in my heart and soul, I get it. I know what it is like to stand dumb-founded in front of someone who somehow has to be reminded that someone else’s life matters just as much as theirs.  I’ve been there.
       It would be nice if I could just scroll down and let it “roll off.”  Frankly, it would even be nice to be numb.  But I can’t … and out of respect for those lives that mattered even as much as my children’s lives, I won’t.  The hate has to stop.  Justice must be served.  And I can’t allow myself to “get over it.”